I will confess, right now I’m struggling with everyday life. This year I’ve really made an massive effort to get my life and myself back on track. I’ve done lots of little things like getting this web site up and running, getting my Amateur Radio hobby back up and running which has also meant I’ve been digging into a more advanced level of I.T. work on my own home system. I’ve also sorted out and upgrading my camera equipment and I’m forcing myself to go out of my flat at least twice a week. When my carers come and visit I try really hard to focus on positives.

All this results in people telling me “how well I’m doing” and sometimes (most times actually) that upsets me because if those people looked just an inch under the surface they would see that in reality the effort I need to put in to hold everything together and the battles I constantly fight against my mental health is destroying me on the inside.

What nobody knows bout or sees are the hours I sit on my own wanting my life to end. The nightmares I have at night. The voices I hear 24/7 telling me how I don’t deserve anything and that I’m a drain on those around me and all of society.

I battle against all of this and I will keep on battling as long as I can but as with all battles that take a long time to fight they slowly grind you down and that’s what’s happening with me. I’m tired and I just want to lay down and give up!

The result of all of this is in my mind I hear the same 4 words all the time. . . . . . . .

I WANT TO DIE