To put it very simply “I’m me“. I’m a retired I.T. Consultant and Technical Manager. I’m transgendered with a small “t” which means while I have transitioned, it’s not something that defines me as a person but it is something that has contributed to the woman I am today.

I have had to fight all my life to be me, and I will fight to the very end of my life to remain being who I am and not who people want me to be.

I have been told by so many people throughout my life that I was “not the brightest spark” and that while I was always very nice to know and very polite and I always worked hard I would always be a bit “thick”. I still have memories of being at school aged 15 and the teacher trying to teach me how to tell the time. I could tell the time when I was 5 years old for gods sake!!

Reality was, I had all the classic indications for severe dyslexia. But nobody knew what that was back in the 70’s. I’m struggling with progressively deteriorating physical disabilities as a result of diabetes and just to keep life interesting I fight some VERY deeply rooted mental health problems. Not the sort of problems that mean I’ll be walking down the street with an axe looking to butcher people, but the sort of problems that rip me apart from inside my own mind and which have at times resulted in long term hospitalisation which I can tell you is just not a lot of fun.

Even though I was told by many that I was a “bit thick”, I knew the truth was that I wasn’t. I just saw the world differently to others.

I fought against the labels I was given and when I left school I became a Coded welder and gained my City & Guilds Craftsman’s certification in M.I.G. T.I.G. and M.M.A. welding. At the same time I studied with the Open University and gained degrees in Organic Chemistry and Genetics with plans to leave welding and become a teacher, which never happeded because the truth is I hate kids!

After leaving welding/engineering I entered the world of I.T Support and started studying for professional qualifications and became a Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer (MCSE) and a CISCO network engineer. I also took on lots of voluntary work including several years as a Special Constable with Nottinghamshire Police in the 80’s. I even held the rank of Section Officer (known as a Special Sargent these days).

Creatively I pushed myself and over years became a semi-professional photographer along side my full time work taking photographs and covering events for many publications, magazines, the BBC and I even tried a few wedding but I really didn’t like working with the insane brides! so I gave the wedding up in the end.

But underlying all my successes were heaps of fear, self doubt, buried growing mental health problems and many other nasty things that were destroying from the inside.

Eventually, and some would say (and I agree with them) inevitably around 2015 I started to implode big time. I’m not going to go into all the details because they are private, but in 2017 I had to finish working and I had what can only be described as a full on mental breakdown that resulted in me being held in hospital for almost a year and on several occasions for shorter periods under the Mental Health Act (sections 2 and 3) for my own protection from myself!!

Since then I have partially recovered but I don’t think I will ever be the same strong person I used to be. I am still very technical and I’m very proud the say I have recently been accepted into MENSA. I am also proud to say that I’m an engineer like my father and my brother and engineers solve problems according to the great Richard Moggy Morgan and I like solving problems, even if it takes me much longer these days to get the results.

Now, everyday, from the second I wake to the second I go to sleep I fight an endless and draining battle with my daemons and mental health. For now I’m winning or at least holding my own but It’s a battle that I know one day I will lose.