I know that my mental health is progressively deteriorating. Thoughts of suicide are dominating my day and I’m finding it harder to fight against those thoughts. The few people who do see me all seem to think I’m doing so well because I’m “doing thing” rather than sitting back and letting the world just pass me by. But the reality is me doing things is like a last ditched attempt at trying to find solid ground to stand on so I can stop or at least slow down my decline. But it’s not working for me. I need someone to talk to who isn’t going to change of avoid the subject and who isn’t going to sit there “telling” how I am doing so well when the truth is they haven’t a clue how I’m doing and don’t want to know the truth.

I will not talk to Nottinghamshire mental health services because I worked with them for years until my community psychiatric nurse (CPN) retired and her replacement almost instantly destroyed every tiny bit of trust between us in 3 short appointments with his lack of understanding and aggression.

I have tried talking to the crisis team. I’ve called them, left voice messages asking for them to call me back and received nothing. As with the mental health team this has destroyed any and all trust.

Finally I’ve tried calling my GP which has taken weeks to get an actual appointment and when I spoke to the Doctor she was very nice as always and very concerned but completely unable to offer me any sort of real support other than to call me next week to see if I’m ok.

I know there are many people who need more help than me and I know that mental health services are massively underfunded but I’m trying really hard to avoid “my” situation reaching a point that it is out of my control.