To put it very simply “I’m me“. I’m a retired I.T. Consultant and Technical Manager. I’m transgendered with a small “t” which means while I have transitioned, it’s not something that defines me as a person but it is something that has contributed to the woman I am today.

I have had to fight all my life to be me, and I will fight to the very end of my life to remain being who I am and not who people want me to be.

I have been told by so many people throughout my life that I was “not the brightest spark” and that while I was always very nice to know and very polite and I always worked hard I would always be a bit “thick”. I still have memories of being at school aged 15 and the teacher trying to teach me how to tell the time. I could tell the time when I was 5 years old for gods sake!! The reality was, I had all the classic indications for severe dyslexia. Nobody knew what that was back in the 70’s and they just wrote you off.

Today, I’m struggling with progressively deteriorating physical disabilities as a result of diabetes and just to keep life interesting I fight some VERY deeply rooted mental health problems. Not the sort of problems that mean I’ll be walking down the street with an axe looking to butcher people, but the sort of problems that result in my thoughts and feelings rip me apart from the inside of my own mind. This has in recent at times resulted in long term hospitalisation which I can tell you is really not a lot of fun.

Even though I was told by so many that I was a “bit thick”, I knew the truth was that I wasn’t. I just saw the world differently to others.

I fought against the labels I was given and when I left school I became a Coded welder and gained my City & Guilds Craftsman’s qualification (with distinctions) in M.I.G. T.I.G. and M.M.A. welding.

At the same time I studied with the Open University and gained a number of degrees in Organic Chemistry, Genetics and other sciences with eventual plans to leave welding and become a teacher, which never happened because the truth is I hate kids!

After leaving welding/engineering I entered the world of I.T Support and started studying for professional qualifications and became a Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer (MCSE) and a CISCO network engineer. I also took on lots of voluntary work including several years as a Special Constable with Nottinghamshire Police in the 80’s holding the rank of Section Officer (known as a Special Sargent these days), The Samaritans and as a public speaker. 

Creatively I pushed myself and over the years became a semi-professional photographer alongside my full time job. I took on a number of assignments photographing events for many publications, magazines, the BBC and I even tried a few weddings but I really didn’t like working with the insane brides! so I gave the weddings up in the end.

But underlying all my successes were heaps of fear, self doubt, buried growing mental health problems and many other nasty things that were destroying from the inside.

Eventually, and some would say (and I agree with them) inevitably around 2015 I started to implode big time. I’m not going to go into all the details because they are private, but in 2017 I had to finish working and I had what can only be described as a full on mental breakdown that resulted in me being held in hospital for almost a year and on several occasions for shorter periods under the Mental Health Act (sections 2 and 3) for my own protection. Basically I was hell bent on ending my life and I nearly succeeded on a number of occasions.

Since then I have partially recovered but I don’t think I will ever be the same “strong” person I used to be. I am still very technical and I’m very proud the say I have recently been accepted into MENSA.

I am also proud to say that I’m an engineer like my father and my brother and engineers solve problems according to the great Richard Moggy Morgan and I like solving problems, even if it takes me much longer these days to get the results.

These days, from the second I wake to the second I go to sleep I fight an endless and draining battle with my daemons and mental health. For now I’m winning or at least holding my own but It’s a battle that I’m having to fight second by second and I know one day I will lose.